Satirical parody · Not real · Not our views
How today’s stories might sound on partisan cable news. Every story shown with its neutral facts headline for comparison.
Left
Oil Drops, Democracy Trembles: The Strait Reopens and the Petro-Authoritarians Want a Victory Lap
A war closes a chokepoint for one-fifth of global oil, prices crash on a press release, and the petro-political class calls that stability.
Right
Hormuz Reopens, Oil Drops, and the Swamp Suddenly Remembers Cheap Energy Exists
A fifth of the world’s oil moves through one narrow strait, and somehow the people running energy policy still act shocked when your gas bill explodes
Left
Birthday Diplomacy With a War-Crimes Pen Pal, and Washington Is Supposed to Call This Statesmanship
When the Kremlin is your press office for Ukraine policy, democracy is already several exits past the flashing red lights.
Right
Birthday Call, Big Stakes: Trump Talks Peace With Putin While the Media Mob Pretends Diplomacy Is a Crime
Trump makes the calls the media hates most: the ones that might actually end wars without asking permission from the foreign-policy priesthood.
Left
Markets Pop, Oil Drops, And Suddenly the Same People Who Shrug at War Want a Cookie for Discovering Peace Is Good for Stocks
The ASX jumped 110 points because de-escalation briefly interrupted the oligarch-approved business model of treating global war as a line item.
Right
Markets Rip, Oil Drops, Elites Panic: Peace Breaks Out and the Money Men Suddenly Remember How to Smile
One peace headline reopened Hormuz, crushed oil, and sent markets flying — amazing how fast the panic industry runs out of material.
Left
A 3% Tax on Big Tech, a 100% Threat on Bordeaux: The Broligarch Foreign Policy Doctrine
A 3% tax on Big Tech becomes a 100% threat on wine when the billionaire class has the White House on speed dial.
Right
France Taxes Big Tech, Trump Reaches for the Corkscrew
France taxed American tech and acted cute; now the same crowd is clutching pearls because the bill might arrive in a wine crate.
Left
Georgia Built an Election Cliff, Put Up a July 1 Sign, and Now Pretends Gravity Is the Problem
They banned their own vote-counting system without a backup plan, then handed county officials conflicting instructions and called it election integri
Right
Georgia Broke Its Own Ballot Rules Weeks Before an Election — And the Swamp Wants You Calm
They banned the vote-counting system before replacing it — and now the same geniuses want your trust on election day.
Left
He Said ‘Months and Years’ to Congress, ‘Everything’s Great’ on TV — Welcome to the Pentagon’s Post-Truth Supply Chain
When the Pentagon treats its own testimony like fake news, the stockpile problem is military — and the accountability problem is democratic.
Right
CBS Tries a Sunday-Morning Gotcha While the Pentagon Rebuilds the Arsenal
The media would rather fact-check a TV soundbite than tell you who’s draining America’s missile shelf and sending the bill to you.
Left
Georgia’s GOP Runoff Becomes a Loyalty Pageant, Because Apparently Senate Seats Are Now Prize Ribbons for Ring-Kissing
A Senate seat in Georgia is being handed out like a loyalty punch card, and the party wants applause for calling that democracy.
Right
TRUMP DROPS THE HAMMER IN GEORGIA — ESTABLISHMENT PANICS AS MAGA PICKS ITS FIGHTER
Georgia Republicans got the clearest possible choice: MAGA loyalty with a pulse, or an establishment backup plan in shoulder pads.
Left
Britain Finally Looked Up From the Feed and Asked Why Silicon Valley Was Raising the Children
A modern democracy is now debating bedtime curfews for the internet because billion-dollar platforms spent years treating childhood distress as an eng
Right
Britain’s Nanny-State Freakout: First the Kids’ Feeds, Then the Rest of Your Screen
Today it’s your teenager’s TikTok; tomorrow some bureaucrat decides your whole family needs a bedtime for the internet.